The other day I was flipping through channels on my scrappy 13 inch TV when I found that one of my favorite and most self-reflecting movies, Mr. Holland's Opus, was on. Unfortunately, but also fitting was that it was towards the end of the movie, the section where it had just been announced by Principal Walters that the entire Arts program at Thomas Jefferson High School was being left out of the budget for the the stated reason that if Walters had to choose between long division and Mozart, he would choose long division. Glen Hollands counter-response was probably the best retort I have seen in a movie in a long time - declaring that if the arts were cut, "pretty soon these kids won't have anything to read or write about." It is amazing how many movies, built on the fictional creativity of very talented screen-writers and directors, can end up proving a very realistic point - as does Mr. Holland's Opus. It is the sad truth that appreciation for the Arts is diminishing, and what is left and considered "artistic" is now refered to as "Bohemia", with is basically social rebelion based on artistic values. In today's sociaty a teacher is very quick to shun out Rap music without considering trying to teach the listeners about ancient tribal chants and rhythm that many consider to be the "original" rap music. Parents are so quick to deny their children the rights to listen to heavy metal without tracing it to Beethoven, who was a 'heavy metal' artist of his time, composing music that broke rules and was unheard of in that era. Perhaps it has become very cliche to say that without classical music there would be no heavy metal or rap, country music or rock music, christian rock or even techno. But cliche or not, it's the truth that many people seem to want to deny. Instead of channeling their musical preferences and trying to instill a sense of appreciation for the history of what they like most, they'd rather abolish it completely?

Asside from cutting arts programs from budgets, and failing to consider them as a vital part of human nature, another frusterating truth for artists is the formality that has been placed upon our heads. Unfortunately, it appears today that an artist needs a license to be an artist.

I'll use myself as an example. In wake of my recent experiences with Martin Andraszek and the Harrah High School Band, I've e-mailed quite a few band directors around my home state of Kentucky about possibly composing original music to be performed by their concert bands or even soloists in their programs. I have received nothing but negative replies, claiming things such as 'they already have a staff'....and that's if i was lucky enough to receive a reply at all. It has come to my realization that what many directors are seeing is that I have not finished school, and consider that a substantial risk. And that's my biggest problem...no one is willing to take risks these days. I believe i have a relatively strong resume (i've had music performed in singapore for christs sake!), and have everything that a college graduate has...EXCEPT a piece of paper indicating my completion of school. Perhaps that a piece of paper would be a good symbol of what America is today....paperwork. No one will take risks without having notorized signatures for verification purposes. Perhaps many will consider me naive, but personally I have taken a few risks in my life...and some of which have amounted to something great.

The arts are dying, unfortunately. It is a reality that we have to face. The only thing us artists have to turn to IS rebelion. I guess it really doesn't matter to me at this point. I'm still going to write music and I'm STILL going to look for performance opportunities despite the fact I did not finish school. I'm just saddened that what happened in Mr. Holland's Opus is really happening every day.

God give me the strength to get through this life.

I'm so worn out. Two times in the past week have I been up for 30 hours straight because I've had to work, give people rides and try and take care of my own life in the process. I don't feel I have the energy to do this anymore! I'm just so tired....no one really understands why I'm going through...and people think I'm just bitching but I'm really having trouble handling all of this.

Christian told me they say God gives us what we can handle, well I feel like he's failed me because I can't handle this anymore. No matter how hard I try to move forward, something happens...something just comes crashing down on me. I couldn't hold my relationship with Jenny together.....I'm not speaking to my Dad, and now my best friend of 18 years is pissed at me and I don't know what I did wrong.

I'm losing my faith in things....in God....I want to believe he's out there, but I'm just having a lot of trouble....I can't seem to catch a break ever. And I have no one I can talk to about this...everyone is so concerend about their own issues....I know i've helped a lot of people, but right now I just need the help!! I'm slippinginto insanity because of everything thats going on in my life!

I wish i could just move away....to another country somewhere and start a new life for myself. This one sucks. I'm being held back from my dreams because I keep worrying about people around me...only to have them shit in my life. Is that what Christians do these days???

I'm hoping things will get better, but I fear they will. I just need the strength to get through this mess!!! That is ALL I am wishing for!

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly 2009-2012

I know the election is not over, but it is almost unquestionable to suggest Barak Obama will be our 44th and the first black president elected into office. I voted for McCain.......mainly because I strongly oppose Obama's tax plans, believe Repulicans are better at handling economic matters (the democrats have controlled the house and the senate for the past two years), and yes....to me experience matters.

However, I'm accepting the fact that Obama will be our president and will be as optimistic as I can be that maybe he does have the answers. I fear that there will be another terrorist attack, as since 9-11 Bush has done a great job keeping them out of our country.

But what bothers me about this is how cold democrats are, and that its usually them attacking republicans. My best friend of 18 years is an example of this. He started ripping into me for being a Bush supporter and for voting for mccain - called me a dumb hillbilly republican. I imagine if McCain had been elected democrats would have created riots or said mccain cheated......but I'm sitting here accepting Obama's victory. Perhaps this is the main difference between democrats and republicans...and i guess defines conservative and liberal beliefs. I just don't think i should be ridiculed for my political beliefs. Maybe Obama can help this country....but I fear for it, and I fear that the young people who do not know enough about politics are the reason he got voted in.

I'm going to be optimistic.....maybe he can save the economy. I guess we'll just have to see.

Time

It is ironic that I wrote the harrah high school marching band show music based on time because that is something I have little of in my crazy life. I am worn out and just feel like I don't have time for myself anymore. I am working two jobs right now, not because I'm in any sort of financial crisis but because my mom and step-dad are really struggling and I'm trying to help them out...especially since my brother only works 20 hours a week. Right now I am also driving them around everywhere because they only have one functional car. I get about three or four hours of sleep a day, and I don't even have time to write my music anymore because I'm either driving them around or sleeping.

This could be avoided of course, but once again a certain figure in my life decided to be a complete asshole and isn't taking care of his responsibilities - and instead cares more about hurting those who 'wronged him' decades ago. Is that really what American men and women are like these days?? Is everyone really that vengeful and that selfish?? If so - well, I really fear for everyone's soul when God decides the earth has worn out its welcome. Literally, there will be hell to pay.

I really want to just move away from this state. Away from everyone's judgemental eyes. There is just so much here that is holding me back from being great - and I just don't think I have it in me anymore. Maybe I should be selfish for a change. Maybe for once I should actually have a life that's best for me. That's really what I want to do. I'm just tired of all of this shit that I go through that I don't deserve. I've spent my entire life trying to help those I love, and they throw it in my face. I'm tired of being walked-on, used, verbally abused....and treated like I have no real purpose in this life. I'm really ready to just pack it up all up and leave. One of my ex-gf's did that, and now she's married and has a great life. Maybe that's what I should do. Maybe that's what I will do. I don't have time to sit here and try to be everyone's savior anymore.

Projects, Projects, and more Projects

I am becoming a bit overwhelmed with everything that is on my plate. Upon completing my clarinet sonata, I've received a few other requests to write solos for certain performers. I'm currently working on a Euphonium Solo for Daniel Stull, a very talented musician at Michigan State University who happens to be a good friend of mine from my time at the University of Louisville. I've started the piece but have not gotten very far....it will be a little out there, but that's bread and butter for Daniel so he'll probably enjoy playing it! I just have to be careful not to make the piano part too challenging. Finding a very good pianist to play the accompaniment for a soloist can be difficult at times.

I also am sad to say that I've neglected a piece that would probably get the most widespread amount of listeners, and that was a euphonium solo with band accompaniment for Brandon Jones and the University of Louisville Wind Ensemble. I guess part of the reason I've put this off is because I feel to even consider this large-scale work a performance it has to be next to perfect, and I still feel a lot of my compositions have too many flaws. That could be because I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to my music - well, writing it anyway. I'm probably not strict enough when hearing performers, but I'm still relatively new at this. I also don't want to come off as a complete dick to someone who is courteous enough to perform my music.

My friend Heather has also requested another clarinet solo, but we haven't talked about that lately so I'm not sure if that's still a go.

Between all of these works and trying to hold together two jobs and helping my family out financially....i really don't have time for myself anymore. It sucks, but at the same time I guess its the choice I took and I need to live with it. We ALL make choices and we have to live with the consequences of those choice without finding people or situations to blame. There are certain people in my life that I hope read this - certain people who try to make excuses for what's happened to them in their life when really it was their fault all along. I've accepted the faults I've had and am making my life the best I can despite these faults. Hopefully others will do the same.

I'm not sure where that came from, but I felt like it needed to be said at some point. Bottom line is I'm a very busy person right now. I hope my friends can understand that if I don't respond to them when summoned in anyway.

Getting Somewhere

Well I think it is fairly obvious that I am advancing as a musical composer. I have just written probably my most musically intelligent piece of music. While in the past my music tends to find not-so-pleasing motifs that seem very unusual and don't always seem to work, my Sonata in F for Clarinet and Piano seems to flow very nicely. It's not my usual chaotic atonal sound, yet it is very programmable and playable - a good show-off piece for clarinet.

I was asked to write a clarinet piece for my brothers girlfriend for her to use at her audition for UofL, but I really think I overshot their expectations. Instead of giving them a short little one movement, I provide her with this three movement masterpiece. Well...its a masterpiece by my standards. I am wanting to take this to a level further than an audition into UofL's school music. I'm gonna push a public performance, or maybe find a clarinetist who's interested in putting it on their senior recital. I think it would really make a nice fit in recital repatoir!

The second movement is probably my favorite, because of the opportunity for expression. I imagine it will sound GORGEOUS when performed live. I'm very excited to say the least!

State of Confusion

I'm slipping into a severe state of confusion. I really don't know where I am supposed to go with life. Everyone has a different plan for me, and I don't know who's advice I should take. I'm not sure what to do. I want to please everyone but that's impossible. I don't know who I should focus on pleasing. I'm not sure what I want to do, where I want to go, or where i want to end up. I need answers, and I just don't know if I'm ever going to get them.

A Fresh Start

So I have returned from my adventures in Oklahoma. And over the weekend I learned two valuable lessons

1. Even the smallest band can project one of the loudest sounds.

2. In Oklahoma, if you see a Road closed sign within 10 feet of what appears to be a ramp to the interstate...DO NOT TAKE THE RAMP.

Long story. But anyway.....it served to be a very exciting trip. I thought the band sounded really good, considering the challenging music I wrote and the waaaaay advanced drill. HELL, some of their drill moves were harder than any of the ones we ever did at Lafayette! Martin, or Mr. A as the students call him, was a very cool person to meet. Great sense of humor and a very similar appreciation for music to my own. Anyone who thinks doing a Pink Floyd or Van Halen marching band show is a good idea is an awesome person in my eyes!

I was thinking a lot about this, and haven't really told anyone - but I was way too happy in oklahoma to ignore it. And it wasn't just with the band. It seems that everywhere I went people were nice, smiling, very friendly atmosphere overall. I mean...i was only there a few days, but it didn't take me long to hate people in louisville when i first moved there. I mean, I love all of my friends and would miss them...but what if i seriously was to move to oklahoma?

My brother Paul said something that I will never forget. "You are a free man, and have the freedom to make a fresh start whereever you want." He thinks i should get out of Kentucky and find a new life for myself - something I've only dreamed about for years. What if he's right?

Take this - I have this great opportunity to be a sort of a Staff Composer with a growing program in Harrah, Ok. Probably the biggest opportunity of my life. Moving down there, I know no one....its a clean slate, I can create a completely new reputation and be careful not to repeat the mistakes of my past. No one would have a chance to judge me, and I can spent a majority of my time doing what I love best in peace - writing music! I can go to a local school down there and get a degree in composition....and things...well it just seems like things would go so well for me.

I need to think a lot about this. The last thing I want to do is move to a foreign state around people i don't know and realize its a mistake. Jeffersonville, Indiana was easy.....even when i realized that was a mistake it was easy (t0 an extent) to pack up and move away. Louisville was across the river and Lexington was only 100 miles away. This would be completely different.

I don't know where I'm going to end up in life. I guess that's for God to decide. But I do know that every decision i make for myself brings me one step closer to my dreams!

Why?

I don't know why, but it feels like everyone is trying to ruin this trip for me. This is possibly one of the greatest accomplishments of my entire life, but it seems as though very few people really give a damn. I don't know what I did.....i've worked hard to get where I am at, its not like it was just handed to me. I'm working two jobs so I can afford this trip, and I worked very hard on writing the piece....sometimes going nights without sleeping trying to come up with melodies and such. Nothing...and I repeat...NOTHING in life has come easy to me. So I don't understand why everyone feels that I deserved to be shit on!

It starts with my Dad......I don't know what his thinking is, but I asked him for a simple favor - to put the plane tickets on his credit card and he WOULD get paid back immediately after I returned...100% guarentee. But instead he tries to talk me into this father-son trip down there to see the show. Well Dad that would be great.....10 freakin years ago!!!! I'm 27 years old - does he not understand he had his chance to be an involved father?? I don't really credit him towards anything I've accomplished in my life....it seems that when he shows up at my performances and crap, well he's basically just reaping in the benefits. He can claim to be proud of me all he wants, but he did nothing to make me the way I am.

Thank God for Ellen....my mom's long time friend. She's really one of the main reasons this trip is going to happen.

And then there is my best friend of 17 years. I know Chris means well, and he's right....my brother and I need to take care of the window my brother broke. However, him calling me and pressuring me...eventually threatening me over the phone is NOT what a best friend does two nights before one of the biggest trips of my life. Maybe he just doesn't understand. Maybe Chris is unable to make the connection of how huge it is for someone like me, who is interested in large-ensemble scoring, to get a chance to see a marching band show written by me performed live in front of a large audience. I mean...i really can't blame him for that....but it just sucks that this couldn't wait till after the trip. I was already stressed enough, and of course i was going to raise my voice at him.....he doesn't seem to understand my situation, and I really think a best friend should.

And on top of it, my mom and step-dad decide to have a huge verbal fight the night before I leave. I mean...i know they aren't processing what I might be going through when they are feeling anger creep up on them. But it sucks, because now....this potential wonderful experience for me is going to be filled by thoughts of my best friend's friendship being tested, my father's dead-beat attitude, and my mom and step-dad's marriage in jeopardy. Anyone knows me knows that I can't just turn off my thoughts like that - they are going to be there and now it may be hard to enjoy this trip the way I should be able to.

Lies, Deceit and Everything Else That Does Not Exist in Love

The human race is a digusting breed. Everywhere I turn around people are lying, cheating, and doing anything they can to get ahead of everyone else. It is really disturbing to know we are lost as a race, and will ultimately be the source of the end of the world. I'm not perfect, but I have grown up with strong morals and ethics, and I feel a terrible guilt everytime I do the wrong thing. I hope that God is as forgiving as I grew up believing he is, because I am sorry for everything I've ever done wrong. It's a shame others who do wrong doesn't regret their decisions.

The Black Widow strikes again. And by Black Widow, I am referring to my ex-fiance. Up until this point I really felt that she loved me the way she said that she did every night before we went to bed. I really believed that she cared about me and my music, and that she was being very supportive of my future because of how much it meant to me. I really believed that I was the most important person in her life. Now, I realize that that was all just a very convincing lie. It hurts to know how much I truely loved her and cared for her only to realize I was just another guy to her to help her situation out. I realize this because after only a month, there is already another guy in her life. I honestly believe that you cannot just jump on board withsome else after being in a relationship based on love. It just doesn't happen. She sucked the life out of me and now that I've left, she has found someone else to ruin. And unfortunately for him, he's a lot more vulnerable because his lack of friends and independant lifestyle. I feel used and abused, and now have no regrets about any decisions I made with the exception of getting together with her in the first place.

She lied to me, she's stolen things from me, and she has done nothing but try and hurt me. About a week ago she sent me a message on facebook saying she was glad to see I was still writing music. Normally, I would have been happy to receive that as a hope that we could still consider our friendship - no....another lie. Just a hook to try and get a response from me so she can use it against me. For someone who claims to hate drama, she sure loves to start it. She creats stories in her mind about how I was having a double life and out flirting and having sex with other women. I never really understood why she felt I was doing these things, but I guess that's just the way she is. What hurts the most is that I was willing to pour my life out for her and she did nothing to me. She is a Black Widow...moving from one guy to the next to get what she needs out of them.

She will claim she helped change me, and helped push me to go to oklahoma and helped push me to finish the composition for Audrey. Well I have news for her - I was already planning to go to oklahoma and was in the process of writing the piece for Audrey when her and I got together. If anything, that relationship served to me more destructive than constructive to me.

This brings me back to the human race being full of sick individuals who will stop at nothing to hurt someone else. Why on earth when someone gives you the shirt off your back, you choose to whip the fuck outta their bare back - I will never understand that. Why is it that the nice people in this world are the ones that suffer. I feel like I am giving a wilting plant some water and it turns out to be poison ivy - constantly.

I really need a vacation. I need to get away from everything, and do nothing but write music. In fact, if I could sit in a hotel room isolated from the rest of the world with nothing but my laptop....life would be great. I could write some really great music.

Maybe that's what I will do.....

Losing Sleep

I'm finding it more difficult to sleep with every night that passes. I'm not exactly sure why, but I have thousands of thoughts running through my mind and they seem to be taking control of my brain and how it functions from day to day.

I guess there really is a lot on my plate. Trying to work two jobs, trying to support my family, trying to be there for my friends, and still trying to find time to compose music...it is a lot for me to handle. I guess its true when they say you can't please everyone.

Oklahoma is just days away....I can't hide my excitement for this trip. It's not just hearing my music performed that I'm finding very thrilling. Its the ability to have to work with another band director...the opportunities to work with a hundred bright students who have been exposed to my music. The opportunity to experience a band competition outside of my home state....it just all seems very exciting. I don't know that I'll ever feel ready for this trip though. It feels as though there is so much to do yet, and my brother and I are needing to get things together fast.

I'm sure the trip will be one of the greatest experiences of my life, and I'm going to do everything I can to make it spectacular.

Hail to Chief

I have not known him a very long time, but already I feel like Martin Andraszek should be one of the most admirable directors the music industry has to offer. I just read his most recent blog at blogspot.com and was very impressed by what he had said.

In order to understand the respect I have for this man, you need to understand that the Harrah Marching band does not have a trophy case filled with big shiny awards saying how great they are. They do not have a long line of musical excellence dating back to the early part of the century. They don't win countless competitions year after year.....but that doesn't seem to bother Martin. From reading his blogs, it really sounds like that he loves these kids like they are his own, and doesn't care how successful they may be on the score charts....as long as they pour their heart into every performance and do the best they can do, he's happy. There are not enough band director's like that....many of them consider winning to be the most important thing.

I never felt that way about my band director's, however. Despite Lafayette's wonderful achievements, Chuck Smith was unique in that he let us know his honest opinion before we even knew what the results were. He cared more about execution then he did what some random biased judges thought....and I think that's helped me become a much better musician over these years. I base my music on what I hear, not what other's hear...and I think that's very important as a musician, no matter what field you may be in. If Martin is pleased with his student's performance, he lets them know and doesn't care what the judges think....and that's a personality trait that so often lost in this world.

I guess Chuck Smith and Martin Andraszek, despite their completely different band programs, are very similar in that respect. And I guess its musicians like them that make musicians like me even better.

Dreams Start in Oklahoma

In just one week and a day I will be flying to oklahoma for probably the one of the most successful opportunities I've had in my entire compositional career. I will be seeing my marching band Suite, "The Elements of Time" performed by the Harrah High School Marching Band. My mind is serving a variety of different emotions due to this upcoming event, and I'm uncertain as to which one I should be following the most.

When I received the initial e-mail from Harrah director Martin Andraszek I was placed into a state of shock. He had expressed interest in my musical idiom and explained to me how he was wanting to have me write the show music for his marching band. Having experienced four years with the Lafayette Marching Band of Lexington, Ky....14 time state champion, and nationally recognized for its excellence in music....I immediately processed memories of the amount of difficult and experienced show music that I spent hours upon hours practicing. Two things went through my mind....."This guys nuts!" and "He really has no idea who he's asking to do this."

....that may have been what went through my mind, but that is certainly not what I wrote in his e-mail. I guess you could say I reluctantly accepted the offer and began working on the piece within the following two weeks.

I never have considered myself a great composer, and I am blind to the talent so many have accused me of having. And often times I have even had meltdown's due to frusteration because my music was not achieving the perfection that I wanted. I still consider myself an amateur, though some say because of my success with sales through sibeliusmusic.com, I have reached the level of professionalism others can only dream of. That being said, there has not been a composition I have written that has ever challenged me nearly as much as "The Elements of Time" has. Writing for a Marching Band was a field I once dreaded ever pursuing, and the fact that this complete stranger...only being exposed to compostions in midi format, and a few less than perfect mp3 performances...wanted me to write his show music to be heard by thousands of people all around the state of oklahoma?? And about halfway through, even I felt like I was in over my head! The most difficult thing for me was to ignore what I've heard the 230 member Lafayette Band produce and write music that could be performed by less than 100 musicians. Probably one of the most challenging feats in my entire life.

But the most important thing - i did it. I put all negative images and self-confidence challenges aside and wrote the entire piece. And I listen to it several times a week - they say an artist should really know his own work, and I make sure i am familiar with every note that sounds.

While the piece is not perfect, will probably not sounds as great as I would like because of the challenging nature, and I still spend countless hours critiquing the work - I can't help but feel a little proud for the accomplishment. And the fact that I will be making it down to Oklahoma in a little over a week to hear it performed - I believe the emotion I should most follow is the excitement I have for this trip.

This is a huge step for me to have the future I desire. How appropriate that this is my first blog, as this represents a huge turning point in what nearly became a lost passion for me.

Still, I have always felt that you can give up on a hobby, but you'll never lose a passion.