Time

It is ironic that I wrote the harrah high school marching band show music based on time because that is something I have little of in my crazy life. I am worn out and just feel like I don't have time for myself anymore. I am working two jobs right now, not because I'm in any sort of financial crisis but because my mom and step-dad are really struggling and I'm trying to help them out...especially since my brother only works 20 hours a week. Right now I am also driving them around everywhere because they only have one functional car. I get about three or four hours of sleep a day, and I don't even have time to write my music anymore because I'm either driving them around or sleeping.

This could be avoided of course, but once again a certain figure in my life decided to be a complete asshole and isn't taking care of his responsibilities - and instead cares more about hurting those who 'wronged him' decades ago. Is that really what American men and women are like these days?? Is everyone really that vengeful and that selfish?? If so - well, I really fear for everyone's soul when God decides the earth has worn out its welcome. Literally, there will be hell to pay.

I really want to just move away from this state. Away from everyone's judgemental eyes. There is just so much here that is holding me back from being great - and I just don't think I have it in me anymore. Maybe I should be selfish for a change. Maybe for once I should actually have a life that's best for me. That's really what I want to do. I'm just tired of all of this shit that I go through that I don't deserve. I've spent my entire life trying to help those I love, and they throw it in my face. I'm tired of being walked-on, used, verbally abused....and treated like I have no real purpose in this life. I'm really ready to just pack it up all up and leave. One of my ex-gf's did that, and now she's married and has a great life. Maybe that's what I should do. Maybe that's what I will do. I don't have time to sit here and try to be everyone's savior anymore.

Projects, Projects, and more Projects

I am becoming a bit overwhelmed with everything that is on my plate. Upon completing my clarinet sonata, I've received a few other requests to write solos for certain performers. I'm currently working on a Euphonium Solo for Daniel Stull, a very talented musician at Michigan State University who happens to be a good friend of mine from my time at the University of Louisville. I've started the piece but have not gotten very far....it will be a little out there, but that's bread and butter for Daniel so he'll probably enjoy playing it! I just have to be careful not to make the piano part too challenging. Finding a very good pianist to play the accompaniment for a soloist can be difficult at times.

I also am sad to say that I've neglected a piece that would probably get the most widespread amount of listeners, and that was a euphonium solo with band accompaniment for Brandon Jones and the University of Louisville Wind Ensemble. I guess part of the reason I've put this off is because I feel to even consider this large-scale work a performance it has to be next to perfect, and I still feel a lot of my compositions have too many flaws. That could be because I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to my music - well, writing it anyway. I'm probably not strict enough when hearing performers, but I'm still relatively new at this. I also don't want to come off as a complete dick to someone who is courteous enough to perform my music.

My friend Heather has also requested another clarinet solo, but we haven't talked about that lately so I'm not sure if that's still a go.

Between all of these works and trying to hold together two jobs and helping my family out financially....i really don't have time for myself anymore. It sucks, but at the same time I guess its the choice I took and I need to live with it. We ALL make choices and we have to live with the consequences of those choice without finding people or situations to blame. There are certain people in my life that I hope read this - certain people who try to make excuses for what's happened to them in their life when really it was their fault all along. I've accepted the faults I've had and am making my life the best I can despite these faults. Hopefully others will do the same.

I'm not sure where that came from, but I felt like it needed to be said at some point. Bottom line is I'm a very busy person right now. I hope my friends can understand that if I don't respond to them when summoned in anyway.

Getting Somewhere

Well I think it is fairly obvious that I am advancing as a musical composer. I have just written probably my most musically intelligent piece of music. While in the past my music tends to find not-so-pleasing motifs that seem very unusual and don't always seem to work, my Sonata in F for Clarinet and Piano seems to flow very nicely. It's not my usual chaotic atonal sound, yet it is very programmable and playable - a good show-off piece for clarinet.

I was asked to write a clarinet piece for my brothers girlfriend for her to use at her audition for UofL, but I really think I overshot their expectations. Instead of giving them a short little one movement, I provide her with this three movement masterpiece. Well...its a masterpiece by my standards. I am wanting to take this to a level further than an audition into UofL's school music. I'm gonna push a public performance, or maybe find a clarinetist who's interested in putting it on their senior recital. I think it would really make a nice fit in recital repatoir!

The second movement is probably my favorite, because of the opportunity for expression. I imagine it will sound GORGEOUS when performed live. I'm very excited to say the least!

State of Confusion

I'm slipping into a severe state of confusion. I really don't know where I am supposed to go with life. Everyone has a different plan for me, and I don't know who's advice I should take. I'm not sure what to do. I want to please everyone but that's impossible. I don't know who I should focus on pleasing. I'm not sure what I want to do, where I want to go, or where i want to end up. I need answers, and I just don't know if I'm ever going to get them.

A Fresh Start

So I have returned from my adventures in Oklahoma. And over the weekend I learned two valuable lessons

1. Even the smallest band can project one of the loudest sounds.

2. In Oklahoma, if you see a Road closed sign within 10 feet of what appears to be a ramp to the interstate...DO NOT TAKE THE RAMP.

Long story. But anyway.....it served to be a very exciting trip. I thought the band sounded really good, considering the challenging music I wrote and the waaaaay advanced drill. HELL, some of their drill moves were harder than any of the ones we ever did at Lafayette! Martin, or Mr. A as the students call him, was a very cool person to meet. Great sense of humor and a very similar appreciation for music to my own. Anyone who thinks doing a Pink Floyd or Van Halen marching band show is a good idea is an awesome person in my eyes!

I was thinking a lot about this, and haven't really told anyone - but I was way too happy in oklahoma to ignore it. And it wasn't just with the band. It seems that everywhere I went people were nice, smiling, very friendly atmosphere overall. I mean...i was only there a few days, but it didn't take me long to hate people in louisville when i first moved there. I mean, I love all of my friends and would miss them...but what if i seriously was to move to oklahoma?

My brother Paul said something that I will never forget. "You are a free man, and have the freedom to make a fresh start whereever you want." He thinks i should get out of Kentucky and find a new life for myself - something I've only dreamed about for years. What if he's right?

Take this - I have this great opportunity to be a sort of a Staff Composer with a growing program in Harrah, Ok. Probably the biggest opportunity of my life. Moving down there, I know no one....its a clean slate, I can create a completely new reputation and be careful not to repeat the mistakes of my past. No one would have a chance to judge me, and I can spent a majority of my time doing what I love best in peace - writing music! I can go to a local school down there and get a degree in composition....and things...well it just seems like things would go so well for me.

I need to think a lot about this. The last thing I want to do is move to a foreign state around people i don't know and realize its a mistake. Jeffersonville, Indiana was easy.....even when i realized that was a mistake it was easy (t0 an extent) to pack up and move away. Louisville was across the river and Lexington was only 100 miles away. This would be completely different.

I don't know where I'm going to end up in life. I guess that's for God to decide. But I do know that every decision i make for myself brings me one step closer to my dreams!

Why?

I don't know why, but it feels like everyone is trying to ruin this trip for me. This is possibly one of the greatest accomplishments of my entire life, but it seems as though very few people really give a damn. I don't know what I did.....i've worked hard to get where I am at, its not like it was just handed to me. I'm working two jobs so I can afford this trip, and I worked very hard on writing the piece....sometimes going nights without sleeping trying to come up with melodies and such. Nothing...and I repeat...NOTHING in life has come easy to me. So I don't understand why everyone feels that I deserved to be shit on!

It starts with my Dad......I don't know what his thinking is, but I asked him for a simple favor - to put the plane tickets on his credit card and he WOULD get paid back immediately after I returned...100% guarentee. But instead he tries to talk me into this father-son trip down there to see the show. Well Dad that would be great.....10 freakin years ago!!!! I'm 27 years old - does he not understand he had his chance to be an involved father?? I don't really credit him towards anything I've accomplished in my life....it seems that when he shows up at my performances and crap, well he's basically just reaping in the benefits. He can claim to be proud of me all he wants, but he did nothing to make me the way I am.

Thank God for Ellen....my mom's long time friend. She's really one of the main reasons this trip is going to happen.

And then there is my best friend of 17 years. I know Chris means well, and he's right....my brother and I need to take care of the window my brother broke. However, him calling me and pressuring me...eventually threatening me over the phone is NOT what a best friend does two nights before one of the biggest trips of my life. Maybe he just doesn't understand. Maybe Chris is unable to make the connection of how huge it is for someone like me, who is interested in large-ensemble scoring, to get a chance to see a marching band show written by me performed live in front of a large audience. I mean...i really can't blame him for that....but it just sucks that this couldn't wait till after the trip. I was already stressed enough, and of course i was going to raise my voice at him.....he doesn't seem to understand my situation, and I really think a best friend should.

And on top of it, my mom and step-dad decide to have a huge verbal fight the night before I leave. I mean...i know they aren't processing what I might be going through when they are feeling anger creep up on them. But it sucks, because now....this potential wonderful experience for me is going to be filled by thoughts of my best friend's friendship being tested, my father's dead-beat attitude, and my mom and step-dad's marriage in jeopardy. Anyone knows me knows that I can't just turn off my thoughts like that - they are going to be there and now it may be hard to enjoy this trip the way I should be able to.

Lies, Deceit and Everything Else That Does Not Exist in Love

The human race is a digusting breed. Everywhere I turn around people are lying, cheating, and doing anything they can to get ahead of everyone else. It is really disturbing to know we are lost as a race, and will ultimately be the source of the end of the world. I'm not perfect, but I have grown up with strong morals and ethics, and I feel a terrible guilt everytime I do the wrong thing. I hope that God is as forgiving as I grew up believing he is, because I am sorry for everything I've ever done wrong. It's a shame others who do wrong doesn't regret their decisions.

The Black Widow strikes again. And by Black Widow, I am referring to my ex-fiance. Up until this point I really felt that she loved me the way she said that she did every night before we went to bed. I really believed that she cared about me and my music, and that she was being very supportive of my future because of how much it meant to me. I really believed that I was the most important person in her life. Now, I realize that that was all just a very convincing lie. It hurts to know how much I truely loved her and cared for her only to realize I was just another guy to her to help her situation out. I realize this because after only a month, there is already another guy in her life. I honestly believe that you cannot just jump on board withsome else after being in a relationship based on love. It just doesn't happen. She sucked the life out of me and now that I've left, she has found someone else to ruin. And unfortunately for him, he's a lot more vulnerable because his lack of friends and independant lifestyle. I feel used and abused, and now have no regrets about any decisions I made with the exception of getting together with her in the first place.

She lied to me, she's stolen things from me, and she has done nothing but try and hurt me. About a week ago she sent me a message on facebook saying she was glad to see I was still writing music. Normally, I would have been happy to receive that as a hope that we could still consider our friendship - no....another lie. Just a hook to try and get a response from me so she can use it against me. For someone who claims to hate drama, she sure loves to start it. She creats stories in her mind about how I was having a double life and out flirting and having sex with other women. I never really understood why she felt I was doing these things, but I guess that's just the way she is. What hurts the most is that I was willing to pour my life out for her and she did nothing to me. She is a Black Widow...moving from one guy to the next to get what she needs out of them.

She will claim she helped change me, and helped push me to go to oklahoma and helped push me to finish the composition for Audrey. Well I have news for her - I was already planning to go to oklahoma and was in the process of writing the piece for Audrey when her and I got together. If anything, that relationship served to me more destructive than constructive to me.

This brings me back to the human race being full of sick individuals who will stop at nothing to hurt someone else. Why on earth when someone gives you the shirt off your back, you choose to whip the fuck outta their bare back - I will never understand that. Why is it that the nice people in this world are the ones that suffer. I feel like I am giving a wilting plant some water and it turns out to be poison ivy - constantly.

I really need a vacation. I need to get away from everything, and do nothing but write music. In fact, if I could sit in a hotel room isolated from the rest of the world with nothing but my laptop....life would be great. I could write some really great music.

Maybe that's what I will do.....